Phantom memory?

Disclaimer: I am about to justify all of your suspicions regarding my sanity (or lack thereof). I think I am crazy, and it’s okay that you do too.

I think I have experienced what I have until today referred to as a ‘false memory.’ Today I looked up what a False Memory is, and in what must be one of the shortest Wikipedia pages ever, it said simply “False memory refers to the recollection of an event, or the details of an event, that did not occur.”

But that’s not right, because the memory I have is of an event that actually happened and is historically documented, not something that I fabricated and convinced myself is real (like my brother, who swears to this day that I fell out of a tree and broke my leg as a child…this never happened). I actually think that is more common; it’s really not too difficult to convince your mind that something actually happened. But remembering something that did happen that I can’t possibly remember….because I wasn’t alive yet? Is it more of a Phantom Memory (like phantom limb)? That doesn’t really work either, because that implies something more like recalling memories from a previous life (if you believe in that…I don’t) that you no longer are living. What should I call this phenomena? Is it new? Can I name it after myself??? (Would I even want to?!)

I swear this is true. I distinctly remember the explosion of the space shuttle Challenger n January 28, 1986. I remember watching it on live television, rising into the air only to tragically explode a minute later. I remember feeling the shock and sadness of the tragedy and I remember my Mom’s reaction to it, with her hand over her mouth and the quiet “Oh my God.” I remember it in almost as much detail as I do the 9/11 attacks when I was in high school.

How is this possible, since I wasn’t born for another eight months? Even if I had been a newborn, or even a toddler, I would be skeptical about remembering something like this in such detail when I would have been too young to even know what was really happening. The only somewhat logical explanation I can come up with is that somewhere along to line, I watched a TV program about it or something that stuck with me through the years and my mind somehow transformed that knowledge into a memory-format. Do you know what I mean by that? Knowing some facts about an event just feels different than a real memory does, a memory formed by watching something happen live the day it happens as opposed to hearing the facts later on. I learned in school about Jonestown in Guyana, but I don’t have an actual memory of the event occurring. Yet I feel as though I have a memory of the Challenger tragedy. A real memory brought to the front of my mind whenever I see or hear something relating to it.

So am I crazy? Well, I know I’m crazy. I guess I should ask, should I be worried?

P.S. In case you are wondering what made me think of this today, I came across this list of 31 Great Iconic Photos From History, and the Challenger was on there. And I reacted to that photo differently from most of the others because the others are just things I learned, trivial knowledge and not experiences (yes yes I know, I didn’t actually experience the Challenger, but I think by now you know what I mean. I hope).

R.I.P. to the seven crew members who lost their lives aboard the Challenger

RGB by Carnovsky

I know I do this a lot, but I just have to appreciate the other artists out there in the world that do such incredible work. I can only hope to someday cultivate in myself this kind of creativity and ingenuity.

This particular artist, Carnovsky, has developed a series called RGB. Pulled directly from his website: “RGB’s technique consists in the overlapping of three different images, each one in a primary color. The resulting images from this three level’s superimposition are unexpected and disorienting. The colors mix up, the lines and shapes entwine becoming oneiric and not completely clear. Through a colored filter (a light or a transparent material) it is possible to see clearly the layers in which the image is composed. The filter’s colors are red, green and blue, each one of them serves to reveal one of the three layers.”

It’s amazing!! Check out the website




Canvas shmanvis

I get tired of painting on canvas, drawing on paper, designing on my computer. You know, the types of things typical artists are expected to do. It takes serious creativity and even courage to venture beyond that.

Also, sometimes it’s illegal 🙂

So hats off to the awesome people who created these works of art!

Take the stairs!

I am becoming hyper-aware of my health and fitness. For most of my 25 years I have eaten what I want (mac & cheese, all the time! yumm), used the cheapest cosmetics (I’m mostly talking shampoo, soaps, toothpaste, etc), parked as close as possible to entrances, and almost always opted for the elevator over the stairs. But over the last year in particular, I’ve been realizing just how important my body is, and how disrespectfully I have been treating it. I’ve watched people eat whatever they want, whenever they want, however much they want, simply because the taste of the food in their mouths at that moment is more important to them than any accompanying consequences. Especially of those consequences aren’t immediate! And, if I am being totally honest with myself, this is the way I have always been too.

God gave me this body, the one I am in. Not some supermodel or athlete just this average weight, fairly tall, normal looking female body. And it may have taken me 25 years to realize it, but God gave this soul this body because this is the one that was perfect to his purposes. How cool is that! Yet I have disrespected and abused this body, at times even hated it and complained about it and wished God had done a better job with it.

How ungrateful of me! I have four limbs, five working senses, healthy lungs, an amazing mind (aren’t brains amazing??) and a beating heart! I am not torn down by cancer or disease, I am not crippled in any sense of the word, I am not deaf, mute or blind. So what has been holding me back all this time from accepting this awesome gift from God and striving to take care of it and use it the way that it was intended?

I don’t know what God has planned for my life. But I want to be ready for it. And I think taking care of this body that God calls a temple is at least someplace to start. So from now on, I will do my best to eat my vegetables and take the stairs.

Pterodactyls in the sky

This morning on my way to work, I kept thinking that the geese in the sky were pterodactyls. I must have done five double-takes (or a deca-take?), laughing at myself every time. Unfortunately for my fellow commuters, I think this was a clear sign I was still half asleep.

Pterodactyls were always my favorite dinosaur. I was obsessed with dinosaurs as a kid. I think it started in first grade: we had what we called Sixth Grade Buddies, and my sixth grade buddy just so happened to be my best friend’s sister. It was great because as a class, we would go to the sixth graders classroom and marvel at how big and adult they all were. So my buddy started to teach me how to draw. Specifically, how to draw dinosaurs. I thought she was pretty much the coolest thing ever, and so my mind also made the assumption that dinosaurs must then be really cool too. I started to read up on dinosaurs: what they looked like, what period they lived in, what they ate, how big they were, even their anatomy. I cried because my parents wouldn’t let me go see Jurassic Park when it came out, Land Before Time was my favorite movie, and my favorite tv show was Land of the Lost (Nickelodeon). Dinosaurs, yeah!!

(I’ve always been a reader, despite my recent lull. I learned to read pretty early on and got pretty good at it. In elementary school we had this reading program called Book It!, and for every book I read, I would get a hole punched into my little Book It card, and after five books I could get a free personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. I averaged a pizza a week.)

So every Monday (I think it was Mondays), I met with my buddy Barbara and we would draw dinosaurs. And that is pretty much the only thing I remember from first grade.

So by middle school, I knew about as much as a thirteen year old could know about dinosaurs. And I could draw them pretty well! I bet I had at least a couple sketchbooks full of dinosaur drawings. In my seventh grade English class, we had one of those English textbooks with about a hundred short stories and weighed thirty-six pounds. As a class, we probably only got through maybe 30% of it by the end of the semester. But because I loved reading, I read the rest of it for fun. One story stuck out: The Smallest Dragonboy. My obsession of dinosaurs VERY quickly turned into an obsession of dragons. Anne McCaffrey (RIP) became one of my favorite authors, I’ve read almost all of her Dragonriders of Pern series (I recommend!!). And I started to draw dragons. And watch dragon movies. And read more dragon books. And collect dragon figurines. I remembered a book I had bought at one of the elementary school book fairs called Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher and read it again, and again.

I’m stopping there because I just realized there is really no point in my writing this post at all. Except to show how obsessive and weird I am.

Mission Accomplished! 🙂


Did anyone else get this song stuck in their head?

I hope that was a REALLY good book

I let my road rage get the best of me this morning. A pet peeve of mine is when people use the left lane on the pike for travel instead of passing. Unless you are passing someone, don’t use the left lane to cruise at 60-70mph. Especially if you are cruising right alongside someone in the right lane, but not passing them, holding up traffic.

That’s what happened this morning.

I wouldn’t call myself a lead-foot, but I typically hit the cruise control at 70-75mph. So I was going along, on my way to work, and I come up behind a Subaru SUV in the left lane. I can’t pass her on the right (I hate to say this, but 9 times out of 10, it’s a woman) because there’s a tractor trailer. Both the truck and the Subaru are going about 60mph. I get stuck behind her, growing more and more annoyed, so I lightly honk my horn at her to try and get her moving so I can at least pass her. I wasn’t sure if she would even hear me, but I guess she did because she sped up to about 80. About a mile down the road, she slows down to 60 again and every so often her car drifts to one side of the other until she violently jerks it back into place.

Now at this point, despite it being 9 in the morning, I’m convinced she must still be drunk from last night or something. She’s still traveling in the left lane (slowly), but this time there is no one in the right, so I move over and pass her. And of course, I have to glance over at her to see exactly who is causing me so much frustration in the morning.

She was reading a book.

Seriously. She had it open, propped up against the steering wheel, and every 4 or 5 seconds she would glance up at the road to make sure she wasn’t about to careen into anything.

It’s a $100 fine here in Massachusetts if you get caught texting a driving. I figure an average text is about 50 characters. So this woman should get fined about $7.5 million, right?

I hope it was a really good book. I’ll be so pissed if she was reading Twilight.

Things my friends say

Those gears look like flowers! *cries*

Channels are stupid

They’re couchtons!

They can be really angsty if you do it right

There’s a bird n your head, there’s a bird on your head

Why are you so cute Harry Potter…I thought I was your girlfriend Harry Potter…your baby is so cute…*sings* Harry Potter is the best! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter has an egg on his head!

I write curses in my code sometimes

I love Steve Urkel too

Pencil would be easier because this has four points instead of one

He’s such a sexual twelve year old! Waving his wand around all the time! Gosh man! Ridin’ the broom like whaaaaaaaaat

DL you have no toes on

I still have your painting….it keeps falling off my wall

What the heck is density?!

Let’s influence each other positively!! Do you have anymore coffee?!